Wednesday, May 18th 2016
Yesterday was rough. About two months ago I went to the ENT to follow up on something they had cut out of my face. I mentioned my neck had been bothering me and I think I needed to go to a chiropractor. The doctor examined my neck and found a lump on my thyroid. He said I'm ordering blood work and a ultrasound today. He wanted me to go straight down to get that stuff done. Well I had Kayden with me because he had his tonsil appointment to set to get them out at the same time. As we walked out of the room. I thought first I can't go do this with my son. He's seen enough and what if it's bad? I was completely irrational in my head. It's not like they would've given me results then and there. But I told myself we had to go and it would take care of itself.
So yesterday I went and did the ultrasound and it was very uncomfortable. Having them push on my throat made the fact that it already felt like there was a weight on it worse. They told me it would take 15 minutes or so once I got back. The tech left the room and brought in another tech at about 20 minutes and I laid there for 30 more while they remeasured. (That's what they told me) The tech was measuring something on the right side. I said that they lump in on my left not right and he looked at the order and said you're right but there's another one here. So then he switched to the left side and measured that for a couple minutes. I finally got done. They told me they can't tell me anything but I thought I had seen them write on the screen it was 1.2cm. So I was calm and not so worried. They told me I would hear from my doctor in about 48 hours. I left and went and did the blood they wanted me to do.
My doctor called me a hour and a half later. Okay Brandie this will be a lot of info. We found 3 significant nodules. One is .9cm the other one almost 1cm and the last one is 2.6cm. 2.6cm? Yes so that's why you're having issues swallowing and breathing. Plus it's just right in that location. So we need a plan. We would normally do a biopsy but since we're looking at 3 and the big one is already causing such issues we would be better off to do a removal of the large one. We will send it off for testing and if it's cancer we will go in and take the whole thyroid.
Thursday May 19th 2016
I had pre surgery. (It is a whirlwind everything happened so fast) I don't even ask Josh to get off work knowing how hard it is when there's a lot of notice but with only a day there's no way he can. But to my surprise he went into work and begged his boss to let him leave to take me. My mom met us up there for the girls. Everything they would be doing was explained and I left knowing more about the thyroid then I had ever. I had no idea the thyroid could affect so much. Because of the size I asked the doctor how long this has probably been there. He said most likely between 1 to 2 years. I asked so if it's not cancer does it still effect my body. He said yes it can affect every thing you feel, your body, your mind, this is probably where your headaches were coming from, it's definitely what is causing your breathing issues because it is sitting on your wind pipe. At this point I was kind of frustrated because I've been going to doctors for over a year and I keep getting told the same thing you're depressed and have a lot of stress with Josh's health and the kids. But my thyroid tests always came back normal. What I've found out is there is a lot of women who have serious thyroid problems that have gone unknown for years because of their tests. The spectrum of "normal" on those tests is wide. I'm always borderline normal which now my doctor is going to be giving me medication to make it better.
Go off of how you feel not what the tests say. I had SO many of the side effects yet they keep diagnosing me with other things. I'm so glad my ENT found the lump in my throat.
Yesterday was surgery Josh and I got to the hospital 7:30 they put me out about 9am and I woke up at 3pm. They took the left half of my thyroid there was no cancer yay but the nodule ended up being 2.8cm bigger than the ultrasound measured. There sending it off for testing to diagnose or rule out Graves Disease and Hoshimotos Disease. I should get results in a week or so. I can already tell you that laying down is SO much better I don't feel like there is a 5 pound weight laying on my chest anymore and I could breathe when sleeping last night. I'm in pain but not bad. The nausea was the worst part but I didn't ever throw up my nurse always got me medicine in time. I can't wait to go home today. I don't like being away from my kids.
Josh and my mom and dad have been amazing yesterday and today taking care of everything. But I can't wait to get back to normal hopefully. Figuring out the medicine will take a bit but I can't wait to feel good.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Monday, May 9, 2016
Never Give Up
I got a message from a relative of mine that said she was going to give up that day I wrote the blog. That made putting myself out there so worth it. I know what that feeling is like. It's a dark and lonely one. I hope she never gets there again. After talking to her for a long time we talked about how she felt like people in her life were bad for her and it occurred to me that I didn't post about this. I told her that as soon as I accepted that just as people in my life may not be good for me I also may not be good for other peoples lives. Trying to fix myself and not focus on what I felt like was hurting Josh or me only I realized I have always wanted everyone to like me. It's always been like a mission of mine. I will do just about anything asked. Take pictures, help with this, pick up this etc. My answer was always yes. To the point that I would get overwhelmed and often times there was nothing in it for me but feeling like I had somehow done what I was supposed to do as a friend. Other people just as easily could feel that way about me. They've helped with my kids or brought me a drink or stopped in to check on me. Sometimes when I've been at my worse. Usually just sad I'm very rarely in a bad mood that affects how I treat people but I have the last couple years had many moments where I can be quite depressing to be around. I may not be good for other people the way some people aren't good for me. As soon as I accepted that it made it so much easier. Then I wasn't the victim and I didn't feel sorry for myself. This is how life is. People come and go and that's ok cause hopefully in the end you're left with who you should be and so are they. That made a world of difference for me. She said she never thought of it that way. I told her trust me don't ever give up. That day you decide to there may be no going back.
This is a moment I had to share because now instead of feeling sorry for my family and myself I feel like I'm actually making a difference for my self and even if it's only this ONE other person it still made a difference.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Letter From Your Mom
Dear Makenzie, Kayden, Lucas, Preslie, and Sydnie,
If there is anything that you take from me I want it to be that you were all I ever wanted and hoped for. Each and every one of you came into my life right when you were supposed to. Makenzie you came right after Grandma Jean passed away and she in every way was my life, heart, love etc. she knew I would need you to get through it. I believe she prepared you. You have so much or her characteristics. Especially her kind heart and patience. Kayden you were the perfect balance for Makenzie and me really. 14 months after your sister and with you I got something so different from your sister. Makenzie was so independent and loved to do her thing and you came and you were so clingy to me, you didn't want anyone else to hold you ever, you were so sweet and loving but only with a select few. Everyone else you liked but at a distance. That really hasn't changed. After you I told myself I was done. 20 years old I have a boy and a girl. A few years later I knew someone was waiting to come to me. Then came Luke. Picking words to describe Lucas is so hard. He was a firecracker. He had everyone wrapped around his finger the second they met him. He could be so naughty and just smile at ya and it was all over. He got away with anything and everything with you older two. Then I knew I was done. I didn't think I'd ever make it through another pregnancy. Little did I know god and I believe your Grandma Jean had different plans for me. Preslie and Sydnie were waiting in heaven. I fully believe that. They both knew if I had a miraculous pregnancy I would make sure not just a IUD was done but something more drastic because of how hard my pregnancies are. So they sent them together. At a time where we as a family needed hope and something better to focus on then the hard stuff going on in our lives. What's better than focusing on when babies start rolling over, crawling, walking, talking, growing. They're the perfect distraction.
All I ever wanted since I was little and playing with all the neighbor girls a lot younger than me or babysitting my little cousins was to be a mom. It's the only thing I thought I would be really great at.
I love you all so much. I cherish all the time I have with you. You're the best part of my day every day. I am the luckiest mom in the world.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Forgive Me
I had a insane outpouring of love and support. All the emails, text messages, and Facebook messages mean the world to me. I got messages from people I didn't even know that explained what they had gone through with their husband or wife and one with her child. I am so glad that we can be some kind of support system to each other. t can't tell you how scared I was to talk about this and I didn't even include everything. I wanted to be true to how it all feels when you're in the midst of it. So today I want to explain what I've realized the last month. I want to talk about the place where I feel like I went the most wrong going through all of this.
I think sometimes I go into self preservation mode. We're going through all this stuff and I can't be the friend that I want to be, I can't serve people the way I want to, while I"m trying to survive in my own world. So when it was dark and everything was black I blamed everyone else. I felt unfairly abandoned. You don't see it when you're in the thick of it and the people that really know me knew I wasn't myself. They never took it personally at times when they could have. The Brandie they knew best was happy, loved them, and appreciated them. I wasn't that Brandie. I was lost. I was looking for something or someone to take out all the anger on.
I hope all those around me understand and can forgive me sickness is very isolating. When its non stop and your trying to work and do all your kids activities and homework and keep your house somewhat up and laundry etc. It can quickly feel like there's not enough hours in the day, it's like drowning or suffocating. I barely can check in on my siblings let alone any of my friends. You start to feel alone. I was used to doing regular get togethers with my friends. My friends since jr high school. Nicole, KoriAnn, Heidi we didn't have to talk all the time we always picked up where we left off but I would see them every few months and that was gone. Not because I wanted it but because I had no time for it. I did girls nights at my house at least once a month where we laughed all night long. It's the perfect way to regenerate yourself and that was gone. When I said friends left. They literally moved. Josh's best friend since high school Trent and Erin moved out of state. My best friend Jennifer and Rhinnaldi moved out of state. Then one of the regular people we hung out with too Mark and Amanda moved out of state. It was lonely. These are all people I saw regularly. They were my constants some of them every weekend and some of them every few months. But they knew us better than anyone and kept us sane through most of this. And now they were gone. I was just in a place where I felt like we were totally alone especially our parents going through all their own stuff. I blamed myself but I definitely blamed everyone else more. One thing a lot of people don't know about us is here in Utah we don't have a lot of family. The extended family we have we see once a year. Josh has one sibling a hour away. My brother goes in and out of the state for work. My parents are 40 minutes away. The whole rest of Josh's family is in Arizona. So when everyone is getting together with their million relatives we've always had our friends. That was what we clung to for some kind of family. When I felt that changing it made the depression a lot worse and I felt like me and Josh were all alone. We've always had Ty and Shannon don't get me wrong but they have huge families and regular scheduled plans with both sides of their huge family. So there's a lot of times where we don't get on their books for a couple weeks. When you're depressed that can feel like months seriously.
I want you all to know I'm out of that place. I honestly have amazing friends. I couldn't name off everyone. I have neighbors that have become family. They love and protect us they take care of our children. They bring us dinner just cause. I would do anything for them. We have families that even though they may have had their own trials of falling apart. They have had never ending love for us the whole time. Family from Australia to here they never stopped with support. We have friends that have literally seen the worst of us especially me but they've stood by me. We have our kids sports teams that have given us another kind of family. I have my work family at home depot. SO many people I've met and love.
I want to thank all of you for everything. I am hoping by acknowledging all of this I will be able to get back to the person I know I was before Josh got sick. The one that had the ability to be there for my friends, the happy fun loving person that spent Monday nights watching the bachelorette at the Huntsman Center. The one that had the ability to do for my family and friends the same way they've done for me. I'm working hard day by day on it.
First step is apologizing to people that took that personally. I had a couple messages that said we didn't even know what all was going on. I just want you all to know I know that. There's a difference between people around us knowing some of what's going on and putting their own spin on it. My friends that I have that didn't know or even just had no idea what to do or how to help is completely understandable. I am one of those people I've watched several friends go through things and not know what to do. I don't know what to say or how to help. I'm no better at it. But I hope all my friends know they could come to me with anything. I will do the best I can.
I am grateful to all of you for being those kind of friends. I literally know I could pick up the phone and have 20 people at least I can call at any given time. I will work hard at being one of those people for all of you.
Any way please forgive me. Thank you for the love and support yesterday and today.
I think sometimes I go into self preservation mode. We're going through all this stuff and I can't be the friend that I want to be, I can't serve people the way I want to, while I"m trying to survive in my own world. So when it was dark and everything was black I blamed everyone else. I felt unfairly abandoned. You don't see it when you're in the thick of it and the people that really know me knew I wasn't myself. They never took it personally at times when they could have. The Brandie they knew best was happy, loved them, and appreciated them. I wasn't that Brandie. I was lost. I was looking for something or someone to take out all the anger on.
I hope all those around me understand and can forgive me sickness is very isolating. When its non stop and your trying to work and do all your kids activities and homework and keep your house somewhat up and laundry etc. It can quickly feel like there's not enough hours in the day, it's like drowning or suffocating. I barely can check in on my siblings let alone any of my friends. You start to feel alone. I was used to doing regular get togethers with my friends. My friends since jr high school. Nicole, KoriAnn, Heidi we didn't have to talk all the time we always picked up where we left off but I would see them every few months and that was gone. Not because I wanted it but because I had no time for it. I did girls nights at my house at least once a month where we laughed all night long. It's the perfect way to regenerate yourself and that was gone. When I said friends left. They literally moved. Josh's best friend since high school Trent and Erin moved out of state. My best friend Jennifer and Rhinnaldi moved out of state. Then one of the regular people we hung out with too Mark and Amanda moved out of state. It was lonely. These are all people I saw regularly. They were my constants some of them every weekend and some of them every few months. But they knew us better than anyone and kept us sane through most of this. And now they were gone. I was just in a place where I felt like we were totally alone especially our parents going through all their own stuff. I blamed myself but I definitely blamed everyone else more. One thing a lot of people don't know about us is here in Utah we don't have a lot of family. The extended family we have we see once a year. Josh has one sibling a hour away. My brother goes in and out of the state for work. My parents are 40 minutes away. The whole rest of Josh's family is in Arizona. So when everyone is getting together with their million relatives we've always had our friends. That was what we clung to for some kind of family. When I felt that changing it made the depression a lot worse and I felt like me and Josh were all alone. We've always had Ty and Shannon don't get me wrong but they have huge families and regular scheduled plans with both sides of their huge family. So there's a lot of times where we don't get on their books for a couple weeks. When you're depressed that can feel like months seriously.
I want you all to know I'm out of that place. I honestly have amazing friends. I couldn't name off everyone. I have neighbors that have become family. They love and protect us they take care of our children. They bring us dinner just cause. I would do anything for them. We have families that even though they may have had their own trials of falling apart. They have had never ending love for us the whole time. Family from Australia to here they never stopped with support. We have friends that have literally seen the worst of us especially me but they've stood by me. We have our kids sports teams that have given us another kind of family. I have my work family at home depot. SO many people I've met and love.
I want to thank all of you for everything. I am hoping by acknowledging all of this I will be able to get back to the person I know I was before Josh got sick. The one that had the ability to be there for my friends, the happy fun loving person that spent Monday nights watching the bachelorette at the Huntsman Center. The one that had the ability to do for my family and friends the same way they've done for me. I'm working hard day by day on it.
First step is apologizing to people that took that personally. I had a couple messages that said we didn't even know what all was going on. I just want you all to know I know that. There's a difference between people around us knowing some of what's going on and putting their own spin on it. My friends that I have that didn't know or even just had no idea what to do or how to help is completely understandable. I am one of those people I've watched several friends go through things and not know what to do. I don't know what to say or how to help. I'm no better at it. But I hope all my friends know they could come to me with anything. I will do the best I can.
I am grateful to all of you for being those kind of friends. I literally know I could pick up the phone and have 20 people at least I can call at any given time. I will work hard at being one of those people for all of you.
Any way please forgive me. Thank you for the love and support yesterday and today.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Chronic
I've went back and forth on writing this for a while. I decided that I want to be brave and true to our story and I feel like it's important for my children to know and there may be someone else out there that needs to read this.
I admire people that are private. I think it's great you can go through your trials and not talk about it or you have a big enough support system that you don't need anyone else to talk to. But I do feel like with some people 'I'm a private person" is used as a "better than" term. Like oh I don't want attention so I am very private. That makes me sad cause just as being private is brave so is sharing our stories. And sometimes being private means being scared. I get that. I've always been a very open person. Sometimes too much. But I'm always scared. Scared of what others will say, scared of not getting support etc. But Josh and I literally have not even just had it POUR it's been a freaking hurricane at our house. There were times in the last 3 years I literally didn't think we would make it through. I've learned a lot about myself and my husband. I've changed so much about ways I think about things and people. That's when I realized what's the point of going through all this? Maybe the point is to help others, make us stronger, make us more appreciative, and the biggest one it's to make us COMPASSIONATE (hopefully). It's done all that for me. As so many of you on Facebook that are brave enough to share your stories and hardships help me in ways you'll never know I am hoping that my experience will do the same. So here goes.
Everyone knows about Josh being in the hospital for most of 2013. The pancreas surgery May 2013 and the back surgery September 2013. What people don't know is what's been happening since. We don't talk about much on Facebook. In all honesty because people are never happy. We share stuff were asking for attention or we have "friends" (so we thought) calling us for the full scoop to only use it as a conversation piece later, we don't share anything and we have people saying stuff. It's never ending cycle. So I am writing this to set the record straight. But in all honesty I want my children to know what we endured, while it's fresh and I can remember it. I want Makenzie and Kayden to know why they had to grow up so fast and hope they forgive me. I want my children to know life isn't perfect and it's really hard but we get to decide how we handle it.
So starting after his back surgery. We figured out the cause of the all over nerve damage and the back injury was Davis Hospital not moving him for 4 days in the ICU. His L5 disc was crushed. We went onto his surgery not realizing how this injury would impact the rest of his life. The pain of having his nerves pinched off for that long, the toll having them not diagnose his disc injury for four months and being on heavy duty narcotics that long, or the impact to his body. Once the reality of the situation sunk in we decided that we needed to get a attorney. We were told it would be hard for him to work at his job (which it is) and that he shouldn't be on his left leg that much. Me being Brandie and stupid found a attorney I had known from high school thinking that he would be brutally honest if we had a case. He told us we did and tried to get multiple medical malpractice attorneys on our case. Long story short Josh and I explained we didn't want a million dollars we wanted the surgery paid for and time off work and some compensation for the fact that he will be in a leg brace and on medicine for the rest of his life. They assured us if they couldn't get a medical malpractice they would be sure to file a civil suit way before time is up. We went months without hearing from them. I called and left messages and nothing. The attorneys pushed it to a month before the statue of limitations and then informed us they weren't doing it. Honestly it was pretty devastating because he missed SO much work that year and he NEEDED the ability to leave his job.
December of 2013 Josh finally went back to work and I was working and we started to feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. At this time the doctor had explained that most likely Josh would get pancreatitis again within year and his body would never make it. I remember being so angry when they explained it. I didn't understand telling us that. After spending more time with the doctor I understand he cares about his patients and wants them prepared for what the statistics are.
January 2014 A few weeks later I got sick really sick didn't know what was going on that's when we found out I was pregnant with the twins. I'm not going to lie I was angry. I didn't understand how god could think that it was a good idea for me to be raising now 5 kids on my own. We didn't plan on having anymore I was scared, sick, and didn't know how we would make it if Josh got sick again. My pregnancy was really rough and of course 5 months into Josh got sick. I got that dreaded call on the way home from work. He needs to go to the hospital. Josh told me all his wishes for me and the kids the whole way to the hospital. I remember feeling like my heart was going to explode. We got him there sure enough he had pancreatitis. What we didn't know is McKay Dee being a GREAT hospital would actually know what they were doing. They treated it totally different then Davis did. He was in there for three days they starved him until it calmed down and he came home. 2 months later I ended up in the hospital having the girls 7 weeks early. Freaking out because we didn't know how they would be. They are fine and perfect. The 3 week and one day NICU stay came to a end and we brought them home hoping hospitals were behind us.
Josh ended up back in the hospital with pancreatitis two more times that year. We were at the right hospital for it now. He didn't end up in the ICU and we had hope he will be fine. I think at this point the end of 2014 thats when everything started to take it's biggest toll on us. We had been in survival mode for almost two years at this point. Plus having twins I was in a different kind of survival mode.
2015 hit us like a truck. Josh got a sore on his left foot with all the nerve damage in January. Keep in mind this is why the doctor said he shouldn't continue at his job. He got really really sick ended up in the hospital with a diagnosis of a diabetic ulcer that was infected and had gone septic. He had a deep red blood line going half up his leg. The doctor explained to me at this point this is one of the number one killers of diabetics. It really can go either way. Josh became diabetic with the pancreatitis the first time. I said to the doctor he will be fine they always tell me he might not make it. He had to have 4 weeks off work and came home. At this point we had to do intermittent LOA to protect his job. During this hospital stay I had just gone back to my job and was working in training. I wasn't allowed to miss. So my mom was with the kids I was training and at the hospital and home to the kids. But we knew I couldn't lose my job so we did what we had to.
June 2015 is where we really started falling apart. I realized that since Josh getting out of the hospital from the back surgery. His prescription intake was just going up. He was running out of his pills faster than he ever had and they weren't working anymore for the pain. I was terrified to sleep at night. He had began sleep walking on the medicine and fell several times. He was bleeding in the bathroom and didn't know how he got there. He fell and hit his head on the mirror and on the toilet. I was so scared for him. He would go to bed and his breathing was so different. I wouldn't sleep because I had my hand on his chest and he would go seconds with no movement. We went through him running out of a month worth of pills in 2.5 weeks and then withdrawal for a full week. Withdrawal was HORRIBLE. He would be so angry and sick and in so so much pain. At this point things were changing with me. I felt like I had kept it all together for so long and I just couldn't anymore. I loved him but this is how couples don't get through sickness. I knew that if I didn't do something drastic he would die. He would pass away in his sleep and I would wake up and life would never be the same. I knew my kids would see him dead. I had several dreams of it during this time in our life. So the most drastic thing I could do that would make a impact is get his brothers. I knew in my heart after a lot of prayer they were the only ones that could save his life. I knew he needed to be away from me. I was killing him. When he ran out of medicine I would give him mine. I couldn't handle seeing him in so much pain. I was a big part of the problem. So I knew he needed to be away from me. His brother came up and told him he would be staying with him and he would be controlling his medication. His brother saved his life. For some time Josh would drive to Clearfield for his kids games and go back down to his brothers in Riverton to sleep. He hated my guts for it. I was strangely ok with that if it meant that he wouldn't die. But he came around. He ended up deciding on his own the medicine was never worth losing his family and he went off of it. Cold turkey. I don't recommend that it's supposedly very dangerous but he did it. Here we are almost a year later and he's never went back.
As wonderful as it was to get him off the opiates it does mean unimaginable pain. He is in so much nerve pain he wakes up thrashing at the bed, it helped so much with the scary things that the opiates do to people but it also made our day to day with Josh harder in some ways. At this point it's August 2015 and dealing with all the medicine is done but the sore that started in January still hadn't gone away. Josh ended up with a infection again. They decided he needs a full leg cast and to be out of work for 8 weeks. Josh's job doesn't have anything for him like light duty so he had no choice. Really we're doing this again with 5 kids this time??
This is where I started to see the most significant change in me and Josh. I knew something was really bad and off especially for me. I was miserable. I didn't feel like any part of me was left. Not that it's worth the mention but all while were going through everything up there Josh's parents got divorced, mine started going through a divorce, my mom got a bad diagnosis of scleroderma far enough along that it is affecting her lungs and heart, I ended up in the hospital with a ruptured cyst and kidney infection, I had multiple friends disappear, we had "friends" spreading false things about what was going on or they claim not going on with Josh, Josh got arrested because he failed to pay a ticket, then I got arrested for failing to pay a ticket (both tickets were less than $100 who knew you'd get arrested for that) when I was pregnant with the twins I got a speeding ticket I apparently paid half of it (totally forgot about it I was pregnant with twins), our dishwasher went out, our microwave went out, our fridge is now going out, our truck broke down, our truck back window got shattered, I was LOST. The world was caving in on me. Every time we tried to get back up something happened that would knock us down. All of the stuff in this paragraph has happened in about the last year some in the last month.
About 3 months ago I went to a DARK place. It was horrible. Those that have stood by me especially Shannon was so worried about me. No one knew what to say or how to help. I didn't know. I went to my doctor and he's Josh's doctor too he said Brandie I think you and Josh have PTSD. I scoffed and said what the soldiers get? Life is hard but it's not that hard. Our doctor explained it is not only a soldiers thing and to be honest I don't know how you managed to keep it together this long. Our doctor is amazing and when he takes the time to say something we listen cause he means it. He very seriously looked at me and told me he was worried that I would die if I keep going like I am. I was so shocked because that's a common thing talked about with Josh at the doctors honestly. With the amount of radiation he got they always check him for cancer and with the amount of medicine he has to take even with out the opiates they are just always worried about him but ME Whatever. Thats what went through my mind. I can't believe how right he was. I had a week in February of this year where I hit rock bottom. I was done. In my twisted, depressed state everyone was better off without me. I couldn't take care of anyone in my mind. I was just going through the motions trying to get up take care of kids work at night. Trying to book as many photo jobs as I could just trying to swim instead of sink. I didn't believe in god. I didn't believe in anything. I had convinced myself that this whole thing with Josh and his health being constantly bad was my fault. In someway it was my karma. I was ready to give up.
One night when it was really bad. My twins climbed up on me then came Luke before I knew it I had Luke asleep on one leg both twins asleep on me and Kayden right by me. Makenzie was sleeping over at Tirzas and she texted me that she loved me and goodnight and I realized. They do need me, they do love me, maybe I wasn't messing EVERYTHING up. I knew that night giving up wasn't option. I've been steadily getting better ever since. I am trying to pace myself better. I get so much going on all the time it's overwhelming. I am also trying to stop worrying so much. I worry about everything what I'm doing or not doing for other people, what people are doing for us, work, working more, getting a better job, the kids sports, what people are saying etc. It's just non stop so it's no wonder I've shut down the last few months the way I have. I am working on it.
Now with Josh. He still has sores on his foot and we still have to nurse them everyday he wears a custom leg and foot brace every single day to walk better to not make the sores worse. I wish it prevented the sore. The doctor has said he is a good candidate for disability but Josh won't even consider it. He doesn't want his children losing their home and he really feels like his family is his responsibility. So hard for me cause I think it would by far be best for him to do it temporarily and go to school. But I get that he's a guy and I admire that he is more concerned about his family.
Josh is incredible about being positive. He's definitely hit rock bottom several times. But what I admire so much about him is he is still so kind and caring and serving. He breaks down in the privacy of our bedroom at times but never complains to anyone else. He doesn't let much get to him. He is definitely my balance. It's hard having people say things about you and your family that aren't true. Josh takes everything with a grain of salt it teaches him who is worth his time yet he's still incredibly nice to all of them and wouldn't say a mean thing. Me on the other hand I want to punch people in the face. I want to scream to some of them if you had to handle a quarter of this. I'm not as big of a person. I'm learning though.
Something I've realized is life gets hard for everyone. When it rains it pours is not uncommon. The reason for our trials is to hopefully make us better people and more aware of others. I truly wonder when I meet people what has made them. What all have they been through? I feel like compassion is the one good characteristic I have always had and trying to see the good in EVERYONE but this has made me so much more.
Josh and I have decided that we don't know what will happen with him just like no one else knows what will happen any given day. It's our choice to dwell on that, become the saddest, most debilitating versions of ourselves or we can choose to enjoy every day know the trials aren't going to end and it's all about how we handle them. We have certainly learned who to surround ourselves with. Our family and friends really have to go with the flow with us. It's up and down and there's 7 of us so all winter someone was sick, Josh was in the hospital 7 times total last year, so our life is always changing day to day. We wouldn't be here with out our family. My parents and sibling, Josh's parents and siblings. My nieces Kylie and Kenna have saved the day many times running out to take care of our kids while were at the hospital. I love you all. t'm so thankful for our friends that have stuck to our side. If anyone was going to get sick of this ride it would've been Lj, Tyson and Shannon and Crystal and Jennifer and Melissa (that have to hear about it or deal with it the most) You all have been the only reason I am still here.
They use the word chronic in the medical field for a reason. There is so many diseases out there that are crippling besides the major ones. Chronic disease has no end in sight which on one hand I'm incredibly grateful because a end to Josh's condition would mean the end of his life and I would rather have him live. But it is a ongoing every day battle. Those of you that suffer from your own ongoing every day battles I admire you. Whether you have a child with special needs which in my mind would be the hardest thing in the world, or a sick child, or sick spouse, or you yourself is sick, or your caring for a elderly parent or grandparent, addiction, or you're watching someone you love suffer, or your battling depression, or job loss, or you're just having a bad day. Shannon will vent to me at times and then she'll immediately apologize and say this is nothing compared to what you go through with Josh. I want to shake her. First off everyones trials are different at different points in life they're still trials. They still matter and they still affect that person whether it's "as bad as someone else's or not", second I love to be there for other people it makes me feel like they're human too.
We literally live in a world where we can do no right. If we complain, say nothing, share our stories, as for help we want attention and we're ungrateful. We need to get out of this self centered mindset that whatever effects us is all that matters. I know Josh and I could have it far worse. I watch a friend of mine that doesn't have her husband to take care of and would give anything to. He passed away from a brain tumor and she didn't get as much time. Or my friend Janette that would give anything to be here with her kids and leukemia took her life. I know it can be so much worse. It doesn't take away from how hard it is but how we deal with it shows our character. How we treat others while going through it. How we help others going through their own battles. I fully believe that's what our trials are for.
To wrap up this incredibly long post I want to tell Makenzie, Kayden, Lucas, Preslie, and Sydnie the most important things I've learned.
Don't ever give up on the people you love. Sometimes their trials define you just as much as they define them. It's hard but can be incredibly rewarding to stand by those you love and see how they handle themselves in these situations. Janette taught me more in one year than I could teach you in a lifetime and your dad did exactly the same thing. So don't look at it as your burden look at it as opportunity.
Second not everyone is good but there is good in everyone. But some people really do not add any quality to your life and that's ok to walk away from it. It's ok to say this isn't good for me. It's not a good situation or relationship. Also there will ALWAYS be people there to kick you when you're down. Do NOT be one of those people take it from me one of those kicks whether it be a comment made, rumor spread, unnecessary fight etc. it may just be the other persons breaking point and you will never be able to take back how you treated them at the end of it. Also remove those people hope they see the light and come around but don't wait for them to.
Get to know everyone for yourself if people took what others say about me and your dad right now as gospel we would have missed out on a ton of really good friendships. They got to know us for themselves.
Last I want you to know that I hope you take after your dad. His kindness, his ability to forgive, his never ending LOVE that he will give to anyone around him, his compassion, how dedicated he is to you guys and everyone he knows, the patience he has when coaching a group of kids with all different personalities and how he makes each one of them feel important. Those qualities is why we have had any kind of support system through all this. Those characteristics will give you LONG LASTING, strong relationships in life. I hope you have your dad until he's old and grey but I needed to put all this down so one day you KNOW without doubt everything he went through to live every day he could with you.
To anyone else out there struggling there is always light. Keep going. Find the right person to talk to and don't give up.
I admire people that are private. I think it's great you can go through your trials and not talk about it or you have a big enough support system that you don't need anyone else to talk to. But I do feel like with some people 'I'm a private person" is used as a "better than" term. Like oh I don't want attention so I am very private. That makes me sad cause just as being private is brave so is sharing our stories. And sometimes being private means being scared. I get that. I've always been a very open person. Sometimes too much. But I'm always scared. Scared of what others will say, scared of not getting support etc. But Josh and I literally have not even just had it POUR it's been a freaking hurricane at our house. There were times in the last 3 years I literally didn't think we would make it through. I've learned a lot about myself and my husband. I've changed so much about ways I think about things and people. That's when I realized what's the point of going through all this? Maybe the point is to help others, make us stronger, make us more appreciative, and the biggest one it's to make us COMPASSIONATE (hopefully). It's done all that for me. As so many of you on Facebook that are brave enough to share your stories and hardships help me in ways you'll never know I am hoping that my experience will do the same. So here goes.
Everyone knows about Josh being in the hospital for most of 2013. The pancreas surgery May 2013 and the back surgery September 2013. What people don't know is what's been happening since. We don't talk about much on Facebook. In all honesty because people are never happy. We share stuff were asking for attention or we have "friends" (so we thought) calling us for the full scoop to only use it as a conversation piece later, we don't share anything and we have people saying stuff. It's never ending cycle. So I am writing this to set the record straight. But in all honesty I want my children to know what we endured, while it's fresh and I can remember it. I want Makenzie and Kayden to know why they had to grow up so fast and hope they forgive me. I want my children to know life isn't perfect and it's really hard but we get to decide how we handle it.
So starting after his back surgery. We figured out the cause of the all over nerve damage and the back injury was Davis Hospital not moving him for 4 days in the ICU. His L5 disc was crushed. We went onto his surgery not realizing how this injury would impact the rest of his life. The pain of having his nerves pinched off for that long, the toll having them not diagnose his disc injury for four months and being on heavy duty narcotics that long, or the impact to his body. Once the reality of the situation sunk in we decided that we needed to get a attorney. We were told it would be hard for him to work at his job (which it is) and that he shouldn't be on his left leg that much. Me being Brandie and stupid found a attorney I had known from high school thinking that he would be brutally honest if we had a case. He told us we did and tried to get multiple medical malpractice attorneys on our case. Long story short Josh and I explained we didn't want a million dollars we wanted the surgery paid for and time off work and some compensation for the fact that he will be in a leg brace and on medicine for the rest of his life. They assured us if they couldn't get a medical malpractice they would be sure to file a civil suit way before time is up. We went months without hearing from them. I called and left messages and nothing. The attorneys pushed it to a month before the statue of limitations and then informed us they weren't doing it. Honestly it was pretty devastating because he missed SO much work that year and he NEEDED the ability to leave his job.
December of 2013 Josh finally went back to work and I was working and we started to feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. At this time the doctor had explained that most likely Josh would get pancreatitis again within year and his body would never make it. I remember being so angry when they explained it. I didn't understand telling us that. After spending more time with the doctor I understand he cares about his patients and wants them prepared for what the statistics are.
January 2014 A few weeks later I got sick really sick didn't know what was going on that's when we found out I was pregnant with the twins. I'm not going to lie I was angry. I didn't understand how god could think that it was a good idea for me to be raising now 5 kids on my own. We didn't plan on having anymore I was scared, sick, and didn't know how we would make it if Josh got sick again. My pregnancy was really rough and of course 5 months into Josh got sick. I got that dreaded call on the way home from work. He needs to go to the hospital. Josh told me all his wishes for me and the kids the whole way to the hospital. I remember feeling like my heart was going to explode. We got him there sure enough he had pancreatitis. What we didn't know is McKay Dee being a GREAT hospital would actually know what they were doing. They treated it totally different then Davis did. He was in there for three days they starved him until it calmed down and he came home. 2 months later I ended up in the hospital having the girls 7 weeks early. Freaking out because we didn't know how they would be. They are fine and perfect. The 3 week and one day NICU stay came to a end and we brought them home hoping hospitals were behind us.
Josh ended up back in the hospital with pancreatitis two more times that year. We were at the right hospital for it now. He didn't end up in the ICU and we had hope he will be fine. I think at this point the end of 2014 thats when everything started to take it's biggest toll on us. We had been in survival mode for almost two years at this point. Plus having twins I was in a different kind of survival mode.
2015 hit us like a truck. Josh got a sore on his left foot with all the nerve damage in January. Keep in mind this is why the doctor said he shouldn't continue at his job. He got really really sick ended up in the hospital with a diagnosis of a diabetic ulcer that was infected and had gone septic. He had a deep red blood line going half up his leg. The doctor explained to me at this point this is one of the number one killers of diabetics. It really can go either way. Josh became diabetic with the pancreatitis the first time. I said to the doctor he will be fine they always tell me he might not make it. He had to have 4 weeks off work and came home. At this point we had to do intermittent LOA to protect his job. During this hospital stay I had just gone back to my job and was working in training. I wasn't allowed to miss. So my mom was with the kids I was training and at the hospital and home to the kids. But we knew I couldn't lose my job so we did what we had to.
June 2015 is where we really started falling apart. I realized that since Josh getting out of the hospital from the back surgery. His prescription intake was just going up. He was running out of his pills faster than he ever had and they weren't working anymore for the pain. I was terrified to sleep at night. He had began sleep walking on the medicine and fell several times. He was bleeding in the bathroom and didn't know how he got there. He fell and hit his head on the mirror and on the toilet. I was so scared for him. He would go to bed and his breathing was so different. I wouldn't sleep because I had my hand on his chest and he would go seconds with no movement. We went through him running out of a month worth of pills in 2.5 weeks and then withdrawal for a full week. Withdrawal was HORRIBLE. He would be so angry and sick and in so so much pain. At this point things were changing with me. I felt like I had kept it all together for so long and I just couldn't anymore. I loved him but this is how couples don't get through sickness. I knew that if I didn't do something drastic he would die. He would pass away in his sleep and I would wake up and life would never be the same. I knew my kids would see him dead. I had several dreams of it during this time in our life. So the most drastic thing I could do that would make a impact is get his brothers. I knew in my heart after a lot of prayer they were the only ones that could save his life. I knew he needed to be away from me. I was killing him. When he ran out of medicine I would give him mine. I couldn't handle seeing him in so much pain. I was a big part of the problem. So I knew he needed to be away from me. His brother came up and told him he would be staying with him and he would be controlling his medication. His brother saved his life. For some time Josh would drive to Clearfield for his kids games and go back down to his brothers in Riverton to sleep. He hated my guts for it. I was strangely ok with that if it meant that he wouldn't die. But he came around. He ended up deciding on his own the medicine was never worth losing his family and he went off of it. Cold turkey. I don't recommend that it's supposedly very dangerous but he did it. Here we are almost a year later and he's never went back.
As wonderful as it was to get him off the opiates it does mean unimaginable pain. He is in so much nerve pain he wakes up thrashing at the bed, it helped so much with the scary things that the opiates do to people but it also made our day to day with Josh harder in some ways. At this point it's August 2015 and dealing with all the medicine is done but the sore that started in January still hadn't gone away. Josh ended up with a infection again. They decided he needs a full leg cast and to be out of work for 8 weeks. Josh's job doesn't have anything for him like light duty so he had no choice. Really we're doing this again with 5 kids this time??
This is where I started to see the most significant change in me and Josh. I knew something was really bad and off especially for me. I was miserable. I didn't feel like any part of me was left. Not that it's worth the mention but all while were going through everything up there Josh's parents got divorced, mine started going through a divorce, my mom got a bad diagnosis of scleroderma far enough along that it is affecting her lungs and heart, I ended up in the hospital with a ruptured cyst and kidney infection, I had multiple friends disappear, we had "friends" spreading false things about what was going on or they claim not going on with Josh, Josh got arrested because he failed to pay a ticket, then I got arrested for failing to pay a ticket (both tickets were less than $100 who knew you'd get arrested for that) when I was pregnant with the twins I got a speeding ticket I apparently paid half of it (totally forgot about it I was pregnant with twins), our dishwasher went out, our microwave went out, our fridge is now going out, our truck broke down, our truck back window got shattered, I was LOST. The world was caving in on me. Every time we tried to get back up something happened that would knock us down. All of the stuff in this paragraph has happened in about the last year some in the last month.
About 3 months ago I went to a DARK place. It was horrible. Those that have stood by me especially Shannon was so worried about me. No one knew what to say or how to help. I didn't know. I went to my doctor and he's Josh's doctor too he said Brandie I think you and Josh have PTSD. I scoffed and said what the soldiers get? Life is hard but it's not that hard. Our doctor explained it is not only a soldiers thing and to be honest I don't know how you managed to keep it together this long. Our doctor is amazing and when he takes the time to say something we listen cause he means it. He very seriously looked at me and told me he was worried that I would die if I keep going like I am. I was so shocked because that's a common thing talked about with Josh at the doctors honestly. With the amount of radiation he got they always check him for cancer and with the amount of medicine he has to take even with out the opiates they are just always worried about him but ME Whatever. Thats what went through my mind. I can't believe how right he was. I had a week in February of this year where I hit rock bottom. I was done. In my twisted, depressed state everyone was better off without me. I couldn't take care of anyone in my mind. I was just going through the motions trying to get up take care of kids work at night. Trying to book as many photo jobs as I could just trying to swim instead of sink. I didn't believe in god. I didn't believe in anything. I had convinced myself that this whole thing with Josh and his health being constantly bad was my fault. In someway it was my karma. I was ready to give up.
One night when it was really bad. My twins climbed up on me then came Luke before I knew it I had Luke asleep on one leg both twins asleep on me and Kayden right by me. Makenzie was sleeping over at Tirzas and she texted me that she loved me and goodnight and I realized. They do need me, they do love me, maybe I wasn't messing EVERYTHING up. I knew that night giving up wasn't option. I've been steadily getting better ever since. I am trying to pace myself better. I get so much going on all the time it's overwhelming. I am also trying to stop worrying so much. I worry about everything what I'm doing or not doing for other people, what people are doing for us, work, working more, getting a better job, the kids sports, what people are saying etc. It's just non stop so it's no wonder I've shut down the last few months the way I have. I am working on it.
Now with Josh. He still has sores on his foot and we still have to nurse them everyday he wears a custom leg and foot brace every single day to walk better to not make the sores worse. I wish it prevented the sore. The doctor has said he is a good candidate for disability but Josh won't even consider it. He doesn't want his children losing their home and he really feels like his family is his responsibility. So hard for me cause I think it would by far be best for him to do it temporarily and go to school. But I get that he's a guy and I admire that he is more concerned about his family.
Josh is incredible about being positive. He's definitely hit rock bottom several times. But what I admire so much about him is he is still so kind and caring and serving. He breaks down in the privacy of our bedroom at times but never complains to anyone else. He doesn't let much get to him. He is definitely my balance. It's hard having people say things about you and your family that aren't true. Josh takes everything with a grain of salt it teaches him who is worth his time yet he's still incredibly nice to all of them and wouldn't say a mean thing. Me on the other hand I want to punch people in the face. I want to scream to some of them if you had to handle a quarter of this. I'm not as big of a person. I'm learning though.
Something I've realized is life gets hard for everyone. When it rains it pours is not uncommon. The reason for our trials is to hopefully make us better people and more aware of others. I truly wonder when I meet people what has made them. What all have they been through? I feel like compassion is the one good characteristic I have always had and trying to see the good in EVERYONE but this has made me so much more.
Josh and I have decided that we don't know what will happen with him just like no one else knows what will happen any given day. It's our choice to dwell on that, become the saddest, most debilitating versions of ourselves or we can choose to enjoy every day know the trials aren't going to end and it's all about how we handle them. We have certainly learned who to surround ourselves with. Our family and friends really have to go with the flow with us. It's up and down and there's 7 of us so all winter someone was sick, Josh was in the hospital 7 times total last year, so our life is always changing day to day. We wouldn't be here with out our family. My parents and sibling, Josh's parents and siblings. My nieces Kylie and Kenna have saved the day many times running out to take care of our kids while were at the hospital. I love you all. t'm so thankful for our friends that have stuck to our side. If anyone was going to get sick of this ride it would've been Lj, Tyson and Shannon and Crystal and Jennifer and Melissa (that have to hear about it or deal with it the most) You all have been the only reason I am still here.
They use the word chronic in the medical field for a reason. There is so many diseases out there that are crippling besides the major ones. Chronic disease has no end in sight which on one hand I'm incredibly grateful because a end to Josh's condition would mean the end of his life and I would rather have him live. But it is a ongoing every day battle. Those of you that suffer from your own ongoing every day battles I admire you. Whether you have a child with special needs which in my mind would be the hardest thing in the world, or a sick child, or sick spouse, or you yourself is sick, or your caring for a elderly parent or grandparent, addiction, or you're watching someone you love suffer, or your battling depression, or job loss, or you're just having a bad day. Shannon will vent to me at times and then she'll immediately apologize and say this is nothing compared to what you go through with Josh. I want to shake her. First off everyones trials are different at different points in life they're still trials. They still matter and they still affect that person whether it's "as bad as someone else's or not", second I love to be there for other people it makes me feel like they're human too.
We literally live in a world where we can do no right. If we complain, say nothing, share our stories, as for help we want attention and we're ungrateful. We need to get out of this self centered mindset that whatever effects us is all that matters. I know Josh and I could have it far worse. I watch a friend of mine that doesn't have her husband to take care of and would give anything to. He passed away from a brain tumor and she didn't get as much time. Or my friend Janette that would give anything to be here with her kids and leukemia took her life. I know it can be so much worse. It doesn't take away from how hard it is but how we deal with it shows our character. How we treat others while going through it. How we help others going through their own battles. I fully believe that's what our trials are for.
To wrap up this incredibly long post I want to tell Makenzie, Kayden, Lucas, Preslie, and Sydnie the most important things I've learned.
Don't ever give up on the people you love. Sometimes their trials define you just as much as they define them. It's hard but can be incredibly rewarding to stand by those you love and see how they handle themselves in these situations. Janette taught me more in one year than I could teach you in a lifetime and your dad did exactly the same thing. So don't look at it as your burden look at it as opportunity.
Second not everyone is good but there is good in everyone. But some people really do not add any quality to your life and that's ok to walk away from it. It's ok to say this isn't good for me. It's not a good situation or relationship. Also there will ALWAYS be people there to kick you when you're down. Do NOT be one of those people take it from me one of those kicks whether it be a comment made, rumor spread, unnecessary fight etc. it may just be the other persons breaking point and you will never be able to take back how you treated them at the end of it. Also remove those people hope they see the light and come around but don't wait for them to.
Get to know everyone for yourself if people took what others say about me and your dad right now as gospel we would have missed out on a ton of really good friendships. They got to know us for themselves.
Last I want you to know that I hope you take after your dad. His kindness, his ability to forgive, his never ending LOVE that he will give to anyone around him, his compassion, how dedicated he is to you guys and everyone he knows, the patience he has when coaching a group of kids with all different personalities and how he makes each one of them feel important. Those qualities is why we have had any kind of support system through all this. Those characteristics will give you LONG LASTING, strong relationships in life. I hope you have your dad until he's old and grey but I needed to put all this down so one day you KNOW without doubt everything he went through to live every day he could with you.
To anyone else out there struggling there is always light. Keep going. Find the right person to talk to and don't give up.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Blogging Priority
I realized this week how much I miss my blog. I also realized I am spending way too much time on Facebook instead. I love blogging. I can write as much or as little or whatever. So I am going to make it a weekly priority. I haven't kept up because my FIVE kiddos keep me insanely busy. But what I realized is how many stories I had posted about my older kids and not taking the time to do the same for my younger three. So this week I'm going to update on all of them a day at a time and get back to the journal I LOVE!
FAMILY UPDATE:
Josh is still just pushing away. He still is battling the ulcers on his left foot with all the nerve damage. He puts his leg brace on everyday and just tries to push through. Being active is so important for him to keep his mind off his pain. We just got done with basketball season for Kenzie and Kayden and wrestling season for Kayden and Lucas. We are now in Spring Football for Kayden and Soccer starts next week for Lucas and Kenzie. It's crazy busy and so good for both of us to stay distracted. Josh is superman. If anything good came out of him being sick all the time it's the changes in our relationship. We have never been stronger as a couple.
Makenzie just took first place in a reading contest at school and won a Amazon tablet. She is still a straight A student and takes school so seriously. She has made a lot of really good friends at her new school. Her best friend is still Alexa though they are inseparable and Tirza will always be like her sister (I hope at least). She is a incredible big sister to Preslie and Sydnie. So much so that a lot of our neighbors have started using her as a babysitter which she loves and they pay her good. She's loving making some of her own money. I love hearing back from them how much they and their kids love her. I couldn't be more proud to be her mom. She has such a strong sense of who she is I wish I had that at her age. She's starting soccer next week for her 3rd year then softball is coming up which she loves. Basketball is still her favorite. (That's my girl)
Kayden is playing Spring Football which is says he wants to play football until he dies. It's his passion. He's loving it. They played their first game at Weber State practice field then their second game last Saturday at the U's practice field. That was incredible he wants to be there in his future so bad. He still doesn't enjoy school (his mamas boy) but he's pulling all A's and B's so I'm proud of him for trying because he couldn't play his sports otherwise. He's the most loving big brother to the twins. He makes a point of seeing them right when he gets home and hugging and loving on them. His best friend is Cj and when he does have free time that's usually who he's with. Cj has a heart of gold so it makes me happy. Love watching him grow.
Lucas is still Lucas. Wild, hilarious, and a energizer bunny. He has a friend Brock that lives right next door he will play outside with for hours and hours. His best friend at school is another neighbor Derek and people frequently ask if they are brothers. They are so crazy cute. He loves school. We went to his parent teacher conference and the teacher told us all about him academically and then was sort of like ending the conference and Josh and I looked at her and said what about his behavior. She said Lucas is a sweetheart I love him and he makes my job easy. What? Seriously! Just kidding he is honestly one of the sweetest kids ever but he just has so much energy that's not what I was expecting. It's bad if you have to move your clip and he tells me all the time mom I've never had to move my clip once. I'm so proud of him. He's going back into soccer season and is so excited. He loves it. He's still his mamas little boy.
Preslie she is the rougher twin. She is feisty and wild. She climbs on anything and everything. Josh had the ladder out working on their swing set and she climbed up the ladder. She has no fear. She is so sweet though she will sit with me and watch a whole movie. She'll hold my hand and when I hold her she'll pat me on the back. She is obsessed with Kenzie. The second Kenz comes in the door she is running. She still love loves to dance. She's starting to finally get into toys too.
Sydnie she is now the calmer twin. She is easier going and take comfort in being held more. She also climbs on anything and everything. The spend a lot of the day on my table. She loves babies right now. She loves to dance too but sings along more. When she needs to be soothed she puts her hand over her binkie like she's taking deep breaths. She gives kisses randomly on the lips with closed lips all the time. It's adorable. She will also sit and watch a whole movie and just cuddle with me. Her favorite is Kayden. She goes running with her hands up to him. She will dance with him all day too.
As for me now. I would need another post. Just kidding. I'm loving my job still. Although I want to promote to help Josh and don't want to give up those years I had with my older kids and not have them with the twins. It's a constant battle. I'm learning to not take on so much and to say no to things I shouldn't add to my plate. I'm loving sports 5 to 6 days a week and trying to figure out how I can make the twins happy enough to start taking them all over. It's freaking hard with two because I can't just hold them the whole time. Figuring it all out though. I am blessed. I really do have so much more than I deserve. I love my family.
That's a update for today. Tomorrow will start with pictures and the million events we've had that I've missed documenting on here.
FAMILY UPDATE:
Josh is still just pushing away. He still is battling the ulcers on his left foot with all the nerve damage. He puts his leg brace on everyday and just tries to push through. Being active is so important for him to keep his mind off his pain. We just got done with basketball season for Kenzie and Kayden and wrestling season for Kayden and Lucas. We are now in Spring Football for Kayden and Soccer starts next week for Lucas and Kenzie. It's crazy busy and so good for both of us to stay distracted. Josh is superman. If anything good came out of him being sick all the time it's the changes in our relationship. We have never been stronger as a couple.
Makenzie just took first place in a reading contest at school and won a Amazon tablet. She is still a straight A student and takes school so seriously. She has made a lot of really good friends at her new school. Her best friend is still Alexa though they are inseparable and Tirza will always be like her sister (I hope at least). She is a incredible big sister to Preslie and Sydnie. So much so that a lot of our neighbors have started using her as a babysitter which she loves and they pay her good. She's loving making some of her own money. I love hearing back from them how much they and their kids love her. I couldn't be more proud to be her mom. She has such a strong sense of who she is I wish I had that at her age. She's starting soccer next week for her 3rd year then softball is coming up which she loves. Basketball is still her favorite. (That's my girl)
Kayden is playing Spring Football which is says he wants to play football until he dies. It's his passion. He's loving it. They played their first game at Weber State practice field then their second game last Saturday at the U's practice field. That was incredible he wants to be there in his future so bad. He still doesn't enjoy school (his mamas boy) but he's pulling all A's and B's so I'm proud of him for trying because he couldn't play his sports otherwise. He's the most loving big brother to the twins. He makes a point of seeing them right when he gets home and hugging and loving on them. His best friend is Cj and when he does have free time that's usually who he's with. Cj has a heart of gold so it makes me happy. Love watching him grow.
Lucas is still Lucas. Wild, hilarious, and a energizer bunny. He has a friend Brock that lives right next door he will play outside with for hours and hours. His best friend at school is another neighbor Derek and people frequently ask if they are brothers. They are so crazy cute. He loves school. We went to his parent teacher conference and the teacher told us all about him academically and then was sort of like ending the conference and Josh and I looked at her and said what about his behavior. She said Lucas is a sweetheart I love him and he makes my job easy. What? Seriously! Just kidding he is honestly one of the sweetest kids ever but he just has so much energy that's not what I was expecting. It's bad if you have to move your clip and he tells me all the time mom I've never had to move my clip once. I'm so proud of him. He's going back into soccer season and is so excited. He loves it. He's still his mamas little boy.
Preslie she is the rougher twin. She is feisty and wild. She climbs on anything and everything. Josh had the ladder out working on their swing set and she climbed up the ladder. She has no fear. She is so sweet though she will sit with me and watch a whole movie. She'll hold my hand and when I hold her she'll pat me on the back. She is obsessed with Kenzie. The second Kenz comes in the door she is running. She still love loves to dance. She's starting to finally get into toys too.
Sydnie she is now the calmer twin. She is easier going and take comfort in being held more. She also climbs on anything and everything. The spend a lot of the day on my table. She loves babies right now. She loves to dance too but sings along more. When she needs to be soothed she puts her hand over her binkie like she's taking deep breaths. She gives kisses randomly on the lips with closed lips all the time. It's adorable. She will also sit and watch a whole movie and just cuddle with me. Her favorite is Kayden. She goes running with her hands up to him. She will dance with him all day too.
As for me now. I would need another post. Just kidding. I'm loving my job still. Although I want to promote to help Josh and don't want to give up those years I had with my older kids and not have them with the twins. It's a constant battle. I'm learning to not take on so much and to say no to things I shouldn't add to my plate. I'm loving sports 5 to 6 days a week and trying to figure out how I can make the twins happy enough to start taking them all over. It's freaking hard with two because I can't just hold them the whole time. Figuring it all out though. I am blessed. I really do have so much more than I deserve. I love my family.
That's a update for today. Tomorrow will start with pictures and the million events we've had that I've missed documenting on here.
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