Forgive Me

I had a insane outpouring of love and support. All the emails, text messages, and Facebook messages mean the world to me. I got messages from people I didn't even know that explained what they had gone through with their husband or wife and one with her child. I am so glad that we can be some kind of support system to each other. t can't tell you how scared I was to talk about this and I didn't even include everything. I wanted to be true to how it all feels when you're in the midst of it. So today I want to explain what I've realized the last month. I want to talk about the place where I feel like I went the most wrong going through all of this.

I think sometimes I go into self preservation mode. We're going through all this stuff and I can't be the friend that I want to be, I can't serve people the way I want to, while I"m trying to survive in my own world. So when it was dark and everything was black I blamed everyone else. I felt unfairly abandoned. You don't see it when you're in the thick of it and the people that really know me knew I wasn't myself. They never took it personally at times when they could have. The Brandie they knew best was happy, loved them, and appreciated them. I wasn't that Brandie. I was lost. I was looking for something or someone to take out all the anger on.

I hope all those around me understand and can forgive me sickness is very isolating. When its non stop and your trying to work and do all your kids activities and homework and keep your house somewhat up and laundry etc. It can quickly feel like there's not enough hours in the day, it's like drowning or suffocating. I barely can check in on my siblings let alone any of my friends. You start to feel alone. I was used to doing regular get togethers with my friends. My friends since jr high school. Nicole, KoriAnn, Heidi we didn't have to talk all the time we always picked up where we left off but I would see them every few months and that was gone. Not because I wanted it but because I had no time for it. I did girls nights at my house at least once a month where we laughed all night long. It's the perfect way to regenerate yourself and that was gone. When I said friends left. They literally moved. Josh's best friend since high school Trent and Erin moved out of state. My best friend Jennifer and Rhinnaldi moved out of state. Then one of the regular people we hung out with too Mark and Amanda moved out of state. It was lonely. These are all people I saw regularly. They were my constants some of them every weekend and some of them every few months. But they knew us better than anyone and kept us sane through most of this. And now they were gone. I was just in a place where I felt like we were totally alone especially our parents going through all their own stuff. I blamed myself but I definitely blamed everyone else more. One thing a lot of people don't know about us is here in Utah we don't have a lot of family. The extended family we have we see once a year. Josh has one sibling a hour away. My brother goes in and out of the state for work. My parents are 40 minutes away. The whole rest of Josh's family is in Arizona. So when everyone is getting together with their million relatives we've always had our friends. That was what we clung to for some kind of family. When I felt that changing it made the depression a lot worse and I felt like me and Josh were all alone. We've always had Ty and Shannon don't get me wrong but they have huge families and regular scheduled plans with both sides of their huge family. So there's a lot of times where we don't get on their books for a couple weeks. When you're depressed that can feel like months seriously.

I want you all to know I'm out of that place. I honestly have amazing friends. I couldn't name off everyone. I have neighbors that have become family. They love and protect us they take care of our children. They bring us dinner just cause. I would do anything for them. We have families that even though they may have had their own trials of falling apart. They have had never ending love for us the whole time. Family from Australia to here they never stopped with support. We have friends that have literally seen the worst of us especially me but they've stood by me. We have our kids sports teams that have given us another kind of family. I have my work family at home depot. SO many people I've met and love.

I want to thank all of you for everything. I am hoping by acknowledging all of this I will be able to get back to the person I know I was before Josh got sick. The one that had the ability to be there for my friends, the happy fun loving person that spent Monday nights watching the bachelorette at the Huntsman Center. The one that had the ability to do for my family and friends the same way they've done for me. I'm working hard day by day on it.

First step is apologizing to people that took that personally. I had a couple messages that said we didn't even know what all was going on. I just want you all to know I know that. There's a difference between people around us knowing some of what's going on and putting their own spin on it. My friends that I have that didn't know or even just had no idea what to do or how to help is completely understandable. I am one of those people I've watched several friends go through things and not know what to do. I don't know what to say or how to help. I'm no better at it. But I hope all my friends know they could come to me with anything. I will do the best I can.

I am grateful to all of you for being those kind of friends. I literally know I could pick up the phone and have 20 people at least I can call at any given time. I will work hard at being one of those people for all of you.

Any way please forgive me. Thank you for the love and support yesterday and today.