I am 17 WEEKS wow almost half way through this pregnancy and that is so weird to me. I know this is crazy but I've always ALWAYS had my babies named by now. I would already be calling them by their name. Josh and I are struggling so bad with it. We have very few we both like and none we like together. I offered for him to name one and me to name one and that didn't even work. So we'll see how long it takes. At 17 weeks I'm still throwing up at least once a day plus I've had pneumonia. The pain is hard. Apparently the more kids you have the less your skin wants to stretch and I've never really had a painful pregnancy as far as stretching out. Wow this kills. Sorry I am going to be totally honest cause I've come across too many blogs where they had twins and made it sound like it was easy. It's painful. They've offered me drugs but I can't bring myself to that point yet. I have such a hard time taking any kind of medicine it always makes me so sick and right now I'm sick enough. I've started feeling them inside. It's amazing. Even though it's just like butterflies and fluttering I still love it. I get into the bath at night to have a little me time and just rub my stomach and I think it makes them both move all over that's when I feel stuff the most. Can't wait to feel them on the outside.
Right now my house is a mess, I've barely got out of bed for the last few weeks, I'm living on zofran, I can't cook anything without throwing up, if you show up unexpected you'll see my chaos and that I look like death. Even with all that though I'm still so EXCITED. My friend Jennifer (Twins are going to love her) and my sister Mandy (can't wait for her nieces) bought fabric to make the babies a blanket and showed me pictures of it. ALL PINK AND PURPLE AND GIRLY!! My friend Claudia bought them two matching outfits. (SO CUTE) I can't wait it's been 9 years since Kenzie and it made memories of her little flood back. There are so many things I'm excited for but I think what I'm most excited for is seeing Kenzie with her sisters. It's all she talks about. Tonight she wants to start reading to them. Kayden said "we can read to them? So I can talk to them now so they learn my voice?" They're such cute siblings. I know the pain and sickness is worth it and it makes it a lot easier to deal. But I can't wait to be back to myself afterwards. I miss my energy and ability to be on time and play hard with my kids. I'm ok with the messy house I have 3 kids soon to be 5 and they deserve to be kids and I deserve this time with them. One day they'll be grown and gone and everything will be done at home and I'm going to miss them. So I'm just going to enjoy it. I really miss serving others right now too. I feel like it's been so long with Josh and now the pregnancy. Luckily I have this wonderful woman in my ward that reminds me we all have our time to serve and our time to need service. I still can't wait to be the one serving again though. So much MORE REWARDING.
It has been brought to my attention how insensitive it was for me to freak out about having twins when there are so many women that struggle with infertility. I really feel horrible that I may have offended anyone. It has been a rough year at the Page House and finding out about a pregnancy that was not only not planned but actively being prevented rocked me a little. I know that these babies are miracles and I know that it is part of Heavenly Fathers plan and believe me no one is more excited for them then me. I just needed some time to wrap my head around it all.
I personally don't believe infertility is part of Heavenly Fathers Plan. I just can't. I have some of the best friends in the world that would make the most amazing mothers that have to fight with everything they've got to get pregnant and some that just can't. I think outside of Heavenly Fathers plan we have things working against us whether it's our environment, our bodies, our food, genetics... etc. Infertility breaks my heart and even though it hasn't been my struggle and I can't possibly understand how it feels doesn't mean I haven't cried with my friends or prayed for them. I used to freak out when my cell phone would ring if it was my best friend from Jr High thinking she is finally going to tell me she's pregnant. In all honesty I would've had babies for her. I got to see her battle close up and personal because we lived with her for a short time and I had two babies under 2. I know it had to be torture for her. If I offended anyone I am so sorry and it was not my intention. I think we as women need to remember that just because our trials are different doesn't mean they are not trials. We need to try to understand each other circumstances more instead of jumping to the defense or becoming offended. That being said I am so sorry I hurt anyones feelings.
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