Lonely!

I keep asking myself if it's ever going to get better not having my Grandma here with me! She passed away the end of November in 2003 and it still really hurts sometimes.. She was the STRONGEST woman I will EVER know. When I think about my grandma I remember the person I used to go see twice a week or more. I remember my grandma that I used to call and say will you go shopping with me today and she was ALWAYS jumping at the opportunity. I remember the Grandma that couldn't wait to see me and had a hard time letting me go and I letting her go at the end of a amazing day! When I was leaving her house I had a really bad habit of laying on her when I was hugging her and most the time not wanting to let go. Today I was cleaning stuff and going through stuff and I came across a box with stuff from my grandma and it's just so difficult to think about. I hate not being at her house every weekend. I don't think I really realized until today how lonely I am with out her. My husband is great but works a lot. Our family and friends are great too... but no matter what it's not the same. My grandma is the only person in the world I felt like I could be completely 100 percent myself and she loved me so much anyway. I think you're lucky to have a person in your life like that. I miss it so much! I'm so lucky I have Makenzie and Kayden and I know I learned so much about being a mother from my grandma. I just wish she was here too. I could explain my relationship with her til I die and still no one would understand without seeing it. For a long time there's been a lot of things that I've been insecure about and haven't liked about myself. I'm still constantly making changes... But today I realized that my BEST qualities. My patience, my love for my children, my openmindedness, the way that I LOVE people, all of it I got from her.

Thinking about her today I became quickly very disappointed in myself. I need to get back on track remembering her but unfortunately with out her being the person that I want to be. I miss her so much. But I must say I am happy knowing that I believe in after life and I believe I'll see her again. I can't imagine how much harder it would be for me if I didn't believe in that. I'm sorry for the depressing post. This is the only release I have and I do know I'm not the only one that has lost someone close to them... That just doesn't seem to make it any better.

I MISS:

My best friend

Her hugs

Her Kisses

Her Long Talks

My Shopping Partner

My Protector (On her death bed she turned to Josh and said "You take care of my girl" That's how I knew Josh was a keeper my grandma had great instincts and she loved him!)

My Home (Her home was always my home too!)

I just hope that I can be ALL of those things to my own children like she was!