Processing

I am now 10 weeks along with twins and I've had more time to take it in. Everyone around us has been doing the same thing. Some of them now coming around to the idea others not so much. We spent this last weekend surrounded by our family and friends it was wonderful. Kenzie and Kayden got baptized (later post) and we had everyone around us. We had a luncheon afterwards in the gym at the church. For just a moment I was in the middle of the 50 or so people that were there. Standing in between the tables and thinking wow with you guys I can do anything. When they say it takes a army to raise a family I believe that and I know I have one of the strongest. I am not going to lie I have been absolutely terrified. To be honest I have NEVER EVER been a planner. I like to fly by my seat and take life as it comes. Since I was a child I feel like that was always how I survived. I have a everything works itself out view on life and everything happens for a reason. Getting pregnant really through me for a loop though. First the way it happened was beyond a miracle and second it's TWINS. I think I went from total shock to scared to death and back to shock.

When I found out there was two things going through my mind. FIRST was will Josh be ok? SECOND was when Josh and I started dating we would talk on the phone for HOURS. He had gone back to Arizona where he lived and we had to talk until he could move back up here. So we would talk on the phone til the middle of the night. One night he asked me how many kids I wanted. I said 2 and he said he wanted 4 and was hoping for twin boys. (He will be happy no matter what) But this is something he said to me back then. I couldn't get it out of my head. I felt like God was sending a message directly to Josh. Josh felt that way too. Josh has been excited since the test was positive. That's how he always was though. Just like his dad. When we told Poppy, Poppy was ecstatic. So excited to have another grand kid. Then when we found out it was twins Josh called him right away again and it was more excitement. I'm so grateful for that. They're already loved so much.

Anyways, now that it has been a few weeks and the more and more it has sank in. I've had to stop talking to some people and I've watched other people rally around me. It's sad that there's a few that can't help but say things and be negative. I feel like you're always going to get that. No matter what situation in life you have people that feel the need to criticize. We have had some genuine concern which I understand really worried about Josh after this last year. All I can say to that is was the first thing on my mind too and I agree I was worried too. We had been given a bad diagnosis for Josh. But honestly everything we've been told by his doctors for the last year has proven to be wrong. It could be that Josh is just a miracle and beating all odds. Or it may be that they just don't know for sure anything. Besides this if something happened to Josh yes it would be devastating and so difficult but it would change nothing. I love OUR children. I will do anything for them. They are the best part of me and Josh. They've been our priority since I was 19 and Josh was 20 and we brought Kenzie into this world. Something could just as easily happen to me and luckily I know I have a husband and they have a father that will make it ok. I know my children will be loved and taken care of. Josh knows that too. Believe it or not I am not the only one having children in this world at the risk of not having a parent or a spouse. We all risk it every single day. We never know when something will happen and it's not a reason to stop living. I have faith and hope that Josh and I are going to raising all our children past adult hood together.

So now that I've really had time to deal with everything. I'm not going to lie I'm still terrified twins is intimidating and scary. But I am so much more excited. Knowing this was supposed to happen and the excitement of two more children joining our family. I've remembered what my least favorite part of being pregnant is though being so freakin emotional. I hate being a basket case and feeling like I have no control over it. One of the things that I was so scared of and why I wanted to be done having kids with the 3 has always been about me wanting to be able to give my kids "everything". This whole way of thinking has been reexamined the last few weeks. I think it's partially because I was so spoiled growing up I was given any opportunity with sports and my parents helped me get a car and I've always had a lot. I wanted to be able to do the same for my kids and the more kids the less money to do those things. That whole way of thinking was so messed up. When I think back to what mattered to me growing up it was those times when me, my mom, my dad, and my brother were together. When we went boating or camping or were just at home together. It was looking at my mom in the stands at my basketball games and playing cards with my grandparents on the weekends. It was never the name brand clothes or my car. So once I realized that it was like my kids do have everything they need. They're happy and they're loved and they know it. That's the most important thing. Two more will be that much more love.

I can't wait to find out what these two miracles are. We are never going to find or agree on names. But we're both really excited. The kids even more so. Luke has asked me a few times if he can grow the babies instead of me (haha), Kayden is always protective of me but even more so with me pregnant, he doesn't like anyone upsetting me and he lays right next to my stomach every night, Makenzie is Makenzie she's doing dishes and laundry just to help out, she frequently asks me what I need and keeps my water full. Seriously my children are angels. I love them more than life.