Life is UNPREDICTABLE!!

After ten years with Josh I feel like I've mastered a few things:

1. I know when it's time for me to panic and freak out or when it's time to put on a brave face for Josh. When I panic and freak out Josh is always freakishly calm (because he's not normally a calm personality) ;) This time it was my turn to panic and freak out.

2. In OUR world I have learned to just roll with life as it comes and go with everything that happens. I stay calm for the most part and realize that life never ceases to amaze me. (This is no different)

This story starts the week of Christmas. I had literally been sick for a couple weeks every time I started to get better I got something else. I just felt like crap. I wasn't getting better I was getting worse. So 3 days after Christmas I had began throwing up like crazy and something felt off. I called Josh crying and told him I didn't feel like myself. He asked me if I could be pregnant and said we needed to find out right away. A little backstory on this Josh was told multiple times when he was hospitalized this year that he would never be able to have children again. Something to do with all the medication on top of the fact that he got over what is equal to 20 years of radiation near that area oh and it's hard for diabetics

. As if that's not enough we had not been trying or anything. The next morning I took the test and within 20 seconds it said pregnant. This is where I PANIC and I mean HYSTERICAL MELTDOWN. I didn't plan to have any more children, Josh and I just got through the worst year of our lives, This is not really happening...

I took about 5 days to calm down and mentally prepare and get used to ok I'm going to have FOUR children this is going to be ok. I had called my doctor finally and she didn't believe it. (There's more to why my doctor didn't believe I could be but it's personal and too detailed to get into here) My doctor said I must have a false test. She wanted me in the next morning. The next morning I woke up and I was bleeding, not spotting, bleeding. SO I had my doctors appointment lined up anyway just figured I would wait and see what she says. They did the tests that she was sure would come back negative. This is 9am my nurse comes in and says she can't believe it it's positive but we need you to come back at 1pm for a ultrasound can you do that?? (PANIC AGAIN) Why was she so insistent on a ultra sound today most likely we wouldn't see anything this soon? Is something wrong? I left and went home for what felt like the LONGEST few hours ever. I told Josh "I will just go back and you keep getting everything ready to go to Kayden's wrestling tournament. We won't be able to see anything anyways so I will call you if something's wrong."

My doctor came in and put the ultrasound in she said well there's good  news

"THE BABY IS FINE AND THE HEARTBEAT IS GREAT. YOU'RE ABOUT 6.5 WEEKS"

WHAT?? 6.5 WEEKS? THAT'S WHY I AM SO SICK.... 

AND THEN JUST SHOCK....

My doctor then says and I have really good news depending on how you look at it.

"THERE'S TWO BABIES AND TWO STRONG HEART BEATS."

She moves down to the next baby and I can see it but I don't believe it. I didn't move for what Makenzie describes as 5 minutes. My doctor was saying a lot of stuff that I don't remember. I was looking around the room. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I had just got used to the idea of one and now there's TWO... 

I'm still in shock and then something snaps in me I just started  bawling and saying Makenzie "My phone, I need my phone..." I called Josh. Bawling I said do you want to hear your babies heartbeats? Josh said "Sure we can hear it already" (Clearly he didn't get it) I said Josh "WHAT HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED" he said it's a boy... Me frustrated of course I wouldn't know that already no JOSH WHAT HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED??? Josh finally got it. "Twins, Are you serious? You're kidding?" Me nope then I hit FaceTime and handed the phone to my doctor who showed him both babies and played both heartbeats for him. I thought ok panic will set in for him now. It won't just be me freaking out he will join me now. NOPE... Josh was excited as ever. To Josh this was his SIGN that he was going to be ok and how next year was going to go. It was going to be about different kind of MIRACLES and less pain (FOR JOSH haha). Josh was also so excited when I took the test he called his dad first thing then 2 weeks later we find out twins and he calls his dad right away again. Poppy was so excited so that did help and add to Josh's excitement.

After days of being super sick and in shock we had told a couple handful of people closest to us I began to feel all the excitement. I couldn't imagine ever having more kids before them and now I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT THEM. I know how High Risk it is and I've had drilled into me all that can go wrong but I just want them to be ok. I can't wait to find out what we're having and I can't wait to see them. 

Makenzie, Kayden, and Luke are all very excited. Makenzie is praying for at least one sister. Although I will be happy however it turns out I do hope I can give that to her. She's a great sister to her brothers but I know she would be the best big sister to a sister ever. 

I know I sound like a terrible mother by how upset, scared and shocked I was. I had multiple things weighing into that. The biggest thing was Josh's health. I also put too much emphasis on how other's around us are going to feel which is my problem because I'm a adult and even though I didn't plan this and it caught me by surprise I am going to do what I do best and make it amazing. A few days after I found out I was pregnant but before finding out it's twins. I was crying and just laying in bed praying to tell me it was all going to be ok. I was talking to god and my Grandma Jean as I usually do. That night I had a dream it was my Grandma who I think I have a LOT of her personality traits her and I had a lot in common and even though she was amazing and I will never be as good as she was I did get a lot of her traits. She was in my dream. It was so simple she told me I was going to be ok she told me to do what I do best and stay calm. She told me that I was a wonderful mom and this was supposed to happen and then she was GONE. I hate it when she leaves because I don't know when I will see her again. But I felt so much calmer and so much more peaceful then when I found out we were having twins it made sense. Twins run on that side of my family. My Grandma that was in my dream had fraternal twin girls. It made sense. I still and will always believe she sent Kenzie to me too. She passed away and a month later I was pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. She calmed me then too. 

I know everything is going to be ok. No matter what happens. My children have always been the biggest blessings in my life. Planned or not planned. I couldn't live without them. Now there will be two more. I can't wait to love and hug and kiss and hold them. For me and Josh this is what life is all about. 

So there's OUR BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!! 

DUE AUGUST 26th 2014