Josh is honestly in more pain almost daily than anyone I've ever seen. I would take it away if I could and it's really hard to watch. Especially at night when it wakes him up thrashing at the bed. With all of this going on he is a assistant coach for his sons football team. No matter how much pain he's been in after work he cleans up and goes to football practice, he watches game film, he spends Saturdays going to Luke's soccer, Kenzie's soccer, and then Kayden's football. This is a physically hard task for him. But Josh never changes he's got a smile on his face, he's friendly, helpful, and when asked will do almost anything to help. Sometimes it makes me mad I'm like babe we have enough on our plate then he reminds me I'm just as guilty. I wouldn't change it though. More often than not people don't see him as sick. He just recently got a boot on his foot and taken out of work the first question I was asked was what happened to him in a way like what did he do? I forget that people don't know he's been like this since March. He's had the ulcer on his foot for months and finally the doctor insisted he come out of work and get the boot because Josh had been REFUSING for months not wanting to stop working for his family. It breaks my heart I'm not in a position to let him stop working.
It's interesting what happens when it comes to sickness. My friend Janette would tell me Brandie people just disappear. I truly didn't know what she meant until now. I've seen people around me turn the other way at the grocery store, stop coming to my house, writing me, calling me, even turn on me etc. At one point I had "friend" tell everyone around me my husband was faking his illness, made things up out of air about Josh and I and even Lucas. She made me feel completely alienated from my "friends" and the sad part is none of them talked to me about it. I can't tell you how lonely it begins to feel. It's taken me a long time to realize it's not their fault. Honestly sickness is heavy and it's up and down and back and forth for Josh. It's a LOT to deal with. Chronic pain on top of it is one of the worst things I've ever seen. I don't blame people for not wanting to be around it anymore. But being in it I just want to SCREAM how do you think Josh feels? Before Janette got sick I knew nothing of heartbreak really. Josh and I had lost grandparents due to old age. Nothing really tragic had happened. Thanks to Facebook memories I look back at the things that I complained about and think Brandie seriously you had no idea how lucky you were and are. But that's the truth when the hardest part of your week is you and your husband working so much you barely see each other, or your kids have thrown tantrums, or the daily chores it can be really difficult to deal with the really heavy stuff. Mostly because we don't know any different. That's not anyones fault that's just how it is. For 90% of people which used to be me you don't know how good you've got it until something major happens.
I've learned SO much over the last few years. So much about myself and Josh and what we're capable of together. I've learned my strengths and unfortunately some of my weaknesses. I am much more curious about people. I wonder what has made them. I really feel like I take more time to get to know peoples circumstances and histories. With that said I am also a lot less forgiving. I find that I only want the people that make life easier around me. I have learned to not complain about our situation other than to my mom and my very best friend to avoid bringing everyone down. I have a smile on my face and am happy around pretty much everyone I come in contact with. And to be COMPLETELY honest they still talk. I am really damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I post on Facebook then "I'm looking for attention and sympathy" if I do nothing but happy, positive posts, then "I'm fake" and "pretending I have it perfect" and the worst one "Josh isn't really sick." For everyone else that feels this way it's a battle you can't win. I frequently think about taking my Facebook down to the people I'm actually around and then I don't.
To the friend that told me I make 5 kids look easy a few weeks ago I have not got that out of my head because she really knows me mostly from social media. Let me just tell you. I have loads and loads of laundry that sit for days sometimes. It takes everything I have to get my girls down for a nap at the same time to mow my lawn and to be honest my mom has had to help me keep up on that more than I have actually been able to, my house is never clean, by noon everyday I'm exhausted, I feel sick to my stomach leaving my kids for work every night and it would be worse if I didn't go financially I would be sick, we probably eat cereal more than anything else and if we have a family dinner it's a miracle. I rarely have the time to get ready and never have time to work out. Kayden and Makenzie have had to grow up way too fast and I pray everyday that they don't resent me for it. Taking all of that into account though my children are super happy, loving, kind, generous, down to earth, loyal etc. Without everything that has happened above I can't tell you for sure that we would have Preslie and Sydnie, that my kids would think of others more often then themselves, that my kids would be so soft and caring, I would take away Josh's pain but the lessons learned have made it a little easier to deal with all the rest. My point is while you're telling me I'm making it look easy I thank you because I know if any one was seeing the day in and day out they would think differently.
The most valuable lesson of everything for me has been not judging a book by the cover. I've had those people on social media I look at and think their world is perfect and they have it all together. Only to find out a couple years later they've spent the last couple years sick, drugged, in surgeries battling infertility. I never would've thought. Seriously though infertility is heart breaking and I would like to take that away from everyone that deals with it. Another situation I have an amazing friend on Facebook who's child is sick, a husband is so hard but I can't imagine a child. She carries her up and down stairs, lifts her into the bath tub, watches her suffer with seizures etc. I'm sure I will never know every obstacle that comes with having a special needs child but she does it like superwoman. When she's having a tough day it's because her daughter has had at least 10 seizures. Can you imagine? She still finds time to serve other people. I have another friend that has so many health conditions and has been through more in the first like 12 years of her life than I have in my whole life. She's the first person offering meals, babysitting, help in my neighborhood. She goes through stuff similar to Josh and she serving people honestly probably every single day. She amazes me. These are just a few examples of my inspiration. They inspire me to make the best of our situation and life. They inspire me to love, hug, kiss, be grateful for my children every day, they inspire me to find time to serve others because if they can do it I absolutely can. I challenge everyone to try not to make snap judgements. (She's super LDS, she's bitchy, she's opinionated, she's lazy, and so on and so on) In very few cases we're right and I think in most cases if we really knew everything behind a person we would handle them much more gentle.
I'm grateful for some of the hardening that life has given me the last couple years but there's also things about myself I am going to work to get back. No matter how much people try to beat me down for it I don't regret being a person that wears my heart on my sleeve, I am ok with the fact that I would be the kind of friend to take a punch or dish one out for my friends, I am glad I'm defensive over my family and their opinion will always matter first, but I'm still always one to apologize when I feel I need to, I'm humble enough to admit when I'm wrong, and I really LOVE the people in my life. I'm going to try to not think about or care about what people think or say so much, work on thicker skin, and definitely try not to be that person that would be saying the things. I have seen the people I need around me and everyone else that comes in my path is a bonus. If they stay great if not it's ok because the ones we have now will always be enough.
Thanks for anyone that read these random thoughts of mine sometimes there is so much going on in my head I need to somehow get it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment